KILLERS Cruisin’ For A Bruisin’

KILLERS

Cruisin’ For A Bruisin’

Directed by Robert Luketic
Starring Ashton Kutcher, Katherine Heigl, Tom Selleck, Catherine O’Hara

Killers couldn’t be any more appropriate a title for this harmful blunt weapon that, quite frankly, isn’t doing much for keeping the lines on the cinematic EKG meter up. There’s an audience for light and fluffy rom-coms, even ones starring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher, but no audience exists that wants to pay $20 to see an uninspired errant mess that doesn’t so much encompass a storyline as it does a teaser for a pretty one-sheet.

In the recent Knight And Day, Tom Cruise played a mysterious action hero super-agent that scores an improbable subordinate (and love interest) in a dippy blonde that looks as if she’s never held a beer can, let alone a gun. Substitute the name Cruise for Kutcher, Diaz for Heigl, and remove the ridiculously fun stunts and dialogue that keep Knight And Day afloat and you’ve got Killers. Yep, more fun to be had in the kitchen with a bottle of Morning Fresh and scrubbing brush!

Spencer Aimes (Ashton Kutcher) is an undercover government-hired assassin who, while on assignment in a flashy exotic locale, meets bubbly computer-tech Jen Kornfeldt (Katherine Heigl). They, of course, fall in love and Spencer’s priorities suddenly change, thus an early retirement from the spy field is in store for the hotshot.

Three years later, Spencer and Jen are living a life of marital bliss. Her uncompromising father (Tom Selleck) and doting mother (Catherine O’Hara) have just about accepted him into the family, and they’re friends with everyone on their quiet, suburban street. But the day after his 30th birthday, Spencer learns he’s the target of a multi-million dollar hit, and worst of all, he and Jen have been stalked for years. Not only is it now time for Spencer to tell Jen about the life he left behind for her, but together they have to try and work out which of their friends and co-workers are undercover assassins.

Knight And Day, though not the best film, packed much more punch than this torturous effort - in fact, Killers’ knuckles are seemingly so infused with arthritis, it never even attempts a swing. Nobody’s making much effort at all to keep this one buoyant.

It’s a pity director Robert Luketic couldn’t have squeezed more out of this dry sponge than what’s on offer - after all, he’s made some perfectly acceptable rom-coms in the past (Legally Blonde, Win A Date With Tad Hamilton) by sprinkling their canvasses with witty dialogue and adding a touch of realism to their somewhat unbelievable plots. But Luketic seems to have set himself to autopilot on this one - there’s no fun dialogue, nothing plays real, and Heigl and Kutcher’s performances are so all over the place you’d suspect Luketic just left them a sticky note in their dressing rooms at the start of each day letting them know they were ‘free to try anything’ because he was going shopping.

If there’s one reason to watch Killers - and it’s likely the only reason - it’s to see ’80s icon Tom Selleck back on the big screen. He’s your grandpa’s age now, but still looks a treat and, unlike anyone else onboard the film, seems to be attempting to salvage it. Hopefully he’ll be back in a better vehicle shortly.

Ashton Kutcher’s fans likely won’t bother reading this review because, well, it’s more than 140 characters. For their sake, I’ve summarised my review to Twitter-length: “@aplusk Dude, You owe me 90 minutes! #2010sworstmovies #killers”

_CLINT MORRIS